Mewsings, Feline and Other...: February 2011

Have four years passed? How have I survived losing you, my love? I have survived because knowing you has helped me be strong.

I have come to where I look forward to the future, from time to time, because I know you would want me to be happy to be alive.

I, like so many who knew you, say 'What would Mike do' when the going gets tough.

How can I stay in the home you and I shared? Because here, we were kind of separate people. You knew I had a laundry list of things I would like to change in you, but when I asked about me...you'd say 'Nothing worth mentioning'...

It was when we traveled and sought out French restaurants, the smallest English Pub and brought along things to make our trips 'exciting'..that is when I truly miss you, Mike. Who else, when in front of the White Hart Pub in England, would joke while I was filming it, say 'Here we are at the White Fart...

I have found a wonderful therapist (through my cats, that would make you smile) and she has helped me be happy here, to treasure what we shared...and knows I can make a life for myself, even when I don't want to move on...

and know that whatever memories I make in the future, that a part of you will be there, too. I can't sit out on my mom's deck without feeling you there; I can't make that drive back and forth to work each day without remember us doing it together, me dozing-you driving; I can't hold a kitten in my hands without thinking of you sharing that joy with me...

When I see myself now, I see me...not me and you as I assumed my future would include. Funny, part of me married you for security...and 2 months later, you lost your job...

I see the cats, and I see you with them and the friends who, even those who never met you, feel as if they have, because you are here, with me...

You bought me my dream car, a Jaguar XJS

and then we went to Coventry together; You bought your first Canali suit at Harrod's and we were at the Helston Furry Dance together...because we loved each other, we shared the good and the bad, and were stronger for it...

You said I was the best cat breeder you had ever met, still it took me many years to add your name to 'my' cattery...when we passed the 5 year mark together (as long as any of my previous relatiionships had lasted), I thought we would grow old together...

You surprised me with a trip to NYC for Christmas, and every time I visit there, you are there with me...and I am trying to make new memories of things we hadn't shared, or I wish you were there.

We made a snow cat, we traveled around the country, making a show cat, we were made for each other and others saw that in us, too...

Here is the blog page that a friend made the week that Mike died...One page speaks volumes and friends shared about the man they knew.

Mike's Memorial

Mike will always be 58 to me and as I turn 59...I think of how we all remember Marilyn Monroe as young and of that song, Forever Young...sometimes I feel old without you, Mike...

I will love you, always...I will miss you by my side always...I want you to know that, I know you knew that...

I didn't do a post on this day last year...

but did in 2009 and blogging is a journal and shows me to where I have come...