Sunday, February 22, 2009
February 22nd, 2007...
This is the day, by the calendar, that I lost Mike. Though, in 2007, it was a Thursday and as I was sitting at my computer and glanced at the calendar and realised 2-22 was today, a Sunday.
I recently posted about, and therefore relived that day recently. Maybe I did that in case this day slipped by without me remembering, like happened on our anniversary and on Mike's birthday.
But I also have many new blogging friends, too many that have gone through devastating losses in their past that they share. I thought it only fitting in honor of Mike and also in letting others know they are not alone in grieving, anger, repression of their feelings and realization that life does go on without that loved one, just in a different way, not always good but not always bad either.
I know of one friend, she has a kitty from me, who because of that is a lifelong friend to me, but she had been through her own life-changing event herself in the past few years and while we hadn't kept in touch much, we "re-found" each other on facebook and are now back in touch again. She did not know Mike had died when she emailed me asking how life was. That was a difficult email to write back to her, knowing she had been there for our wedding celebration and that she got back in touch, not expecting sad news.
One thing that blogging had shown to me, is that everyone who lives suffers loss. I remember one of the first times I went out of the house after Mike died, my mom and I went to the grocery store. As I rolled the cart through the aisles, with my mom saying "That looks good", I just wanted to scream out "My husband, my love, just died...doesn't anyone care!" But then I looked around me and realized that any one person passing me with their shopping cart could be going through the same loss and who would know? We put on a strong face and while it was very hard at the time, going through the motions of living when I felt dead,
I am not really happy right now, do not have the hope for the future that I once had but also remember having these same feelings before Mike came into my life and I could have "survived" another 40 years. And I remember having these same feelings right after Mike died. What I need to do now, is not just survive but live. I am not there yet.
I know I do not need a "Significant Other" to live and I can be a tough person to live with. In many ways, being alone again gives me the freedom to not have to make adjustments one makes sharing your life with someone. But it also makes it harder for me to have goals and plans for the future. Maybe I am just not there yet, but it sort of scares me that I may be falling back into the the day-to-day surviving I did before Mike.
In a way, the community of bloggers that have befriended me are a force that may help me move forward, in a way sort of a peer pressure but also someone gently pushing me to push myself. I have a good friend in Oregon that really did that for me during that first year after Mike died, but either he has gotten tired of pushing me or has his own set of problems he is dealing with, but he knows that when the going gets tough, he is the first person I call for advice.
I am not sure where the next year will take me. I am thankful I have a job and that does not seem in jeopardy; I worry a lot about my finances and watching my savings go down each month and hope it will last til Mikes pension kicks in; and I also know more now about the trials and tribulations of being a home owner, alone, than I wish I did, but I do have a roof over my head, something that I wasn't sure I'd have after Mike's death.
So, I am ok with where I am, two years after Mike's passing...Yes, but I hope I am not in the same place...two years from now.