Sunday, April 5, 2009

Moving Forward...

Kate, over at Blogging is my Only Vice had two posts on her blog today that got me thinking and then writing. The first one was an old journal post from 2002, shortly after her husband died. Their life together was rough, but not without it's good times. I can tell from her words, that we all must go through that period after losing someone.

We gather, change, hope and as I often say, slog on. I was very touched by her final words "I like to post these old thoughts for those that might be lacking in hope".

I guess I have thought I was doing ok, because I didn't feel hopelessness...but I will have to say, I am lacking in hope...That being said, today I did make some headway in digging into the disarray in the basement, but only because I was forced to. I had some painting going on upstairs and was more or less prisoner in the i sort of got my ass kicked into doing something (and I'm happy to say, it wasn't just sitting in front of the computer this time). Then I bbq'd a steak, had all the sour cream and bearnaise sauce I wanted, along with a nice Portuguese Red wine (my folks lived in Portugal for many years, so Portuguese wines are very sentimental to me somehow).

I sat out on my deck (nice, as it's before the skeeters come out in droves), at my new little tiled cafe table I found on sale a few weeks ago (and the guy at the register said "Oh, I wanted to get so said "Summer!"...that's what I thought.

Those moments are bittersweet for me...I thought of the conversation Mike and I might be having. And I thought of a conversation me and some dreamed of new love in my life might have sometime in the future. But I did sigh a lot and just decided to enjoy the food and the wine and the view and leave it at that.

The other post on Kate's blog made me smile. That was a "lively' video performed by Christopher Walken! I just had to laugh, because, for one thing...he sort of reminds me of Mike. To which Mike always used to reply "I hope that doesn't come back to bite me in the ass one day!" That was me, saying "I'm not really attracted to you" when we first started dating.

Christopher Walken is like that to me, sort of too craggy, a little intimidating, not soft like I used to like my men. And when I saw him dancing...I just had to grin, as he has some of the same moves as M did...all the while me saying "Why can't you Cha Cha" instead of taking up the whole dance floor...

So, with Spring here, my motivation having kicked in.. I recently read on someones blog, how clutter really affects us emotionally and I have finally had enough of feeling that way! I hope to make April a good, full, fruitful month...that's how I feel this Sunday anyway.

Ps: We have babies (kittens) due on April life and love will abound!


  1. I almost felt like I was there in your heart or head -- well, with you at the dinner table somehow.... your description was that good. I don't mean to sound corny, but I just wanted to send you a hug. Sighing and deciding to eat the steak... all good things.

    Kittens and less clutter are good things to look forward to! :-)

  2. I don't know what to say. I've typed and erased like 4 times. I wish I could say I knew what you meant or felt- but I don't so I can only offer a blogging shoulder. I empathize anyway and love the idea of you sitting on your deck, beginning again at the summery tile table. Good for you and do you have any wine left? ;)Smiles and hugs

  3. Do we live for comments? No...Yes! When they are as sweet and caring and full of hugs as yours. Sydney and just lifts me up, just as if you were here!

    Sydney, you lost your I know you know how it feels, to not be able to just give him a call and say "Look at the squirrels on my blog" or "Think you'd like an iPhone?"...I recently ventured on to your other blogs and read a bit and somehow the perspective that keeps coming to me is that you can pass someone on the street and never know what happiness and what sadness they have experienced. In a way, that is a blessing from Mike...mysterious ways.

    Jennifer, you lost your I know you know how it feels, even though at the at the time of your comment you may have not thought so. It's just hard to want to say something to them, to say "Did you hear..." and know they are not on this earth with you anymore. And oh my, what a time we would have if we ever got together...I know where to get more wine :)

  4. lovely post! i am going on, ummm too many years to think about it affecting me like it does, but stuff still kicks my butt. a steak, wine, and a nice view sounds great! you are such a wonderful person and hopefully one of these days katie will get to meet you, especially when you have kitties!!! yeah!! bear is doing great and she just really makes me smile and laugh. she is my old lady!!

  5. i think you are a remarkable woman...


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